Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Notes of an Aspiring Evil Genius

In the mid 1990's, after participating in a lengthy Secret Agent / Kung-Fu movie marathon, a group of nerds in Arizona created a ridicilously extensive list of villainous Do's and Dont's. Presented here are my favorite 25:
25. I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression are distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that might later form the core of a rebellion.

24. All repair work to my secret fortress will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.

23. If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever which someone could fall on when fatally wounded.

22. I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will instead make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will double-cross them in their moment of glory.

21. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

20. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?" I will reply "This" and kill the advisor.

19. My Legions of Terror™ will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.

18. I will instruct my Legions of Terror™ in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!" they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.

17. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror™. However, before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

16. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror™ as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

15. I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.

14. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

13. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

12. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will explain that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

11. Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.

10. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. On second thought, I'll shoot first and then say "No."

9. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

8. If I am ever dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.

7. If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)

6. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

5. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

4. If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.

3. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.

2. If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.

1. I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
Thanks to Peter Ansbach who long ago compiled the exhaustive list from a multitude of contributors.

2 Comments:

Blogger Steve Ranson said...

Now, THAT was funny. Thanks for sharing. I'll never look at one of those kinds of movies the same, i.e., I'll enjoy laughing at them more.

8/12/2005 12:00 PM  
Blogger dane570omar said...

damn good blog, check out mine http://juicyfruiter.blogspot.com, comments always welcome!

8/24/2005 4:23 AM  

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